a point you can’t walk away from

Lucien Edwards
Apr 17, 2023
7 min read

i think obviously families are potentially thee #1 best and worst thing about being alive. i think when you start seeing your family members as people and not just these designated roles meant to fit specific cultural and societal purposes, you begin to have a better time. there's always something that ends up humanising your family to you, for alottuv people its when they first see a stoic or just older member ov their family cry. alottuv people talk about how it felt seeing their mother or father cry for thee first time. i guess for me it was always a given thing, i saw my parents cry often -- they never tried to pretend really to be stronger than they could be. i cry with my mother @least once a week and every time im with my dad we get emotional about things. my father would literally shove me repeatedly against thee car door and shove my face into walls bruising me all over then cry on his knees to me saying he "hates doing this to you, i just get so mad and i don't know what to do." OK. like what? how is a 5y/o supposed to deal with that? i guess i just hugged him cuz he was coming to me @ that point to console him for hurting me. he hasn't been that way in probably 5+yrs now, i think that sortuv behaviour stopped when i turned 18 & he suffered a massive, life altering breakup. i think a massive change in both ov us occured around then. i experienced some close calls with xanax and valium and other substances, i was nearly hospitalised, i was diagnosed with some rancid mental issues. a 5yr+ on off abusive or @ thee very least severely dysfunctional one.

i came to a point where i guess i understood my father's rage. i understood his rage because his rage was bred ov pain and anxieties he lived with his entire life and now felt he was superimposing onto his first born. he wanted me more than i think he wanted anything in his entire life. he made a doll and named it what i would go on to be named. it's one ov thee first things he brought up to my mother, that he wants to have a baby girl and how much he dreamt ov it. he also dreamt ov alottuv other things which haunted him constantly, he was very clearly afraid ov himself. what can you do? i'm afraid ov myself, too. and i ruin everything bcoz ov it. he's still running that gauntlet. it's funny bcoz now i feel i see him more than ever, even though i technically see him less. i SEE him. when he came over a week or so ago, i wasn't afraid ov him and i saw his puffy cheeks and watched him stim with excitement about being near me and my brother. i can see everything about him now. i wasn't able to before. in this way, i can't forgive him for what he did to me and to my mother necessarily, but i do understand why it happened. it doesn't bother me too much anymore -- his comments and his immature behaviours. in a way, i guess it's cuz i know i do thee same thing. we aren't yin and yang whatsoever, we walk in eachother's shadows - ever alternating in a cycle ov light and darkness. i can pretend to forget if he will also. he's thee only person who will watch mash 1970 with me despite not even liking the tv show.

my mom has told me many times she may not understand me or what i'm going through but that she's going to be here. mostly that's been true. i'm horrified ov loosing either ov my parents, but as my brother said to me thee other day "none ov us are natural victims." several years ago when my mom first suspected that she may have a form ov cancer [we think she's okay], my father still "i don't think anything could kill your mother, not even cancer." he fundamentally respects and understands her. he still gets shy when she pokes fun @ him. i watch them now and i wonder why thee fuck we had to wait 20yrs for this to materalise.

there was a lot that happened.

and some clear roadblocks. some things 4 stubborn people couldn't get over in order to be close. my ex step-father leaving opened up so many doors and windows we didn't know were there; thee slithers ov light we used to catch glimpses ov materialised into waves ov light. it takes time to adjust but eventually you just don't care anymore. right now, in my life, i'm often chugging water or alcohol and am back on xanax. i have too much physical pain to think about and i'm tired ov surface level interactions. i can't handle thee inability to open up a can ov worms and look at them all. when T released "sorry not sorry" i felt it so much. it felt like some clarity and reassurance that i'm not insane, not like that, anyways. it makes sense to me. i know tyler supports trans rights, i know T better than a first time caller. i don't care about parasocial shit, though i try my best to respect him. bcoz i do. iv grown with him and he inspires me to up my game. but hearing this verse made me feel like a normal human being cuz you know, you spend so much time in this little echo-chamber you start thinking your own natural human reactions and mistakes as worthy ov guantanamo bay.

N-- read the room

Don't assume n-'s is cool

Stay in your pocket, this is pool

Blah, blah, blah, blah 'bout trauma

You ain't special, everybody got problems, uh

Sorry I'm not empathetic (Nah, I'm fuckin')

Sorry you think I'm pathetic

Sorry I don't wanna bro down

Sorry I don't know your pronouns

I don't mean no disrespect

But, damn, we just met, calm the fuck down

thankfully nowadays most people have their pronouns in their bio. but irl it is never that damn easy. i have accidentally misgendered so many people cuz i'm just meeting them, i apologise and they say it's chill, we move on and develop a relationship and then one wrong move and it's brought back up. i don't misgender people for fun, it's not like, a hobby ov mine. just chill. most trans people aren't like this, but most white 16y/o's on social media are. and when you catch them in thee wild that toxicity infects you, you start thinking you're insane bcoz you aren't offended by certain things. or at least i worry. i don't mind being called a queer by fellow queers, but having it explained to me why i should be offended makes me wanna kill somebody. i don't like it when language that was initially meant to aid people in recovery like "valid" or "laying boundaries" are weaponsied to switch up narratives or to fuck you up. i don't like pussyfooting around things. i want someone to just tell me to fuck off.

just say -- "hey, i regret beginning this to start with and i don't wanna keep it going. so fuck you and fuck off." like i can respect that. absolutely. fuck you too, good luck. maybe it isn't thee most civilised concept but it's honest, right? don't tell me i'm valid if you mean to say "you're fucking insane and obsessive and fuck off." i just don't think i can keep up with that kinduva culture. i respect it more when i'm told shit directly. then again, i suppose i'm often alone for a reason. i just want some blunt honesty. i want somebody to be real to me, i guess what's disappointing is i find that a person's depth is often dependent on their surroundings and there's no reason for most people to have anything below a surface level personality. most people are not "music people" or "movie people," they're disney adults and grillers.

sometimes i wish i could live in that mindset. sometimes i think; "if only i could just be perfectly normal and had nothing beneath this layer." but it isn't true; it's fleeting. i'd go mad if i didn't have so many things to think about. i suppose i am seeking other human beings and feeling bewildered when i can't find that same complex layering in others that i find in my father or my mother, sometimes i look at people and see nothing but what it is right in front me. i try to probe, i befriend people, i try to get to know them better. you have any fave movies? no. any favourite shows? nah. any favourite bands? not really.

are you human? what do you do all day? what thought most frequently enters your mind??? what are you doing? i dont get it. im reaching out into thee ocean and staring into thee dead dumb blind eyes ov a minnow; which i'm sure @ this point has more complicated neurological thought processes than these people i repeatedly encounter but irl and online. i feel like i'm poking a bug with a stick trying to get it to do something. oh well. maybe time will prove me wrong, maybe i can cultivate something for myself that keeps me running on a self sustained engine. i dont know. i always say that and then i find myself searching in that school ov shrimp for a shark. fuck if i know. what i'm thee happiest about these days is music and my best friend ov now five years, munna. i can't wait to take them to thee end with me. i love them so much, they're a blessing in my life. ive never even thought about a life without them bcoz it doesn't even seem feasible to me. there is not a lucien without a munna, y'know? i can't wait to finally hug them one day. that'll be thee best day ov my life; being able to finally hug munna and feel their warmth. and we can draw majima cats together.

on repeat this week: