A stronger, loving world to die in.

[March 10 2023]

this will be typed out slightly different from usual posts as i am writing it on thee work computer. this is a also a significantly less poignant or guided post since i simply wanted to write in a diary ov sorts while things are a bit slow. besides, i made this blog to put things and this is definitely something to put somewhere. a few things have happened as ov late.

A) i finally finished reading “watchmen,” something i put off for a very long time because i loved it so much I didn’t want it to end so i simply didn’t let it. It took only a day or so to finish and i was amazed, though my ability to absorb my emotions is quite far from me @ thee moment so i was a bit stunted in my reaction to it’s ending.one thing which i did love and did hit me where it hurts was it’s last words, a john cale quote; “it would be a stronger world, a stronger loving world, to die in.” that still struck me as it always does. It struck me also when dr manhattan tells adrian veidt that it never ends. veidt is confused. He may have done thee right thing in that moment but thee precedent it sets will lead way for thee same mass destruction to occur over and over, all in thee name ov keeping humans from killing each other. it is also notable that in his attempt to save people from themselves, he killed half ov new York. Prolonging thee inevitable? I don’t know. But surely more will have to die to keep more from dying. So on and so on and so on.

B) i explained to a close friend while sitting on thee floor thee other day thee way i see thee idea of being alone. I was explaining to him how you can never truly harness thee present as every action you’ve made becomes done once you’ve registered that you have done it, we can only think and conceive ov ourselves and our actions retrospectively. It is thee marriage ov what we are about to do [future] and what we have already done [past] that creates our present. i explained that due to this perpetual tug and pull ov conception, you are living in the past, thee present, and thee future at all points. Meaning three versions of you do and are about to and are doing something, three you’s and you are never alone. I also explained something my ex told me one, M, as some of you may recall them by. It was about this chain that we are all apart ov, how someone makes thee cups that thee barista then prepares a drink in which you drink and discard, which then someone else picks up and properly disposes ov and so on and so forth. your being a link in this chain means there is a continual harmony you are participating in, guaranteeing a past and a future all occurring simultaneously. In this way you are never alone either. I did say however that i have no solution yet for feeling all by your lonesome, as loneliness is a very different topic than being “alone.” They started crying. I did not know how to react. I hope they’re ok.

C) i have begun making my own form ov cut-up poems again. I think anything can be romantic, especially uncertainty. I get lost looking at all these strips ov paper and not knowing where they could potentially be going. sometimes thee things they form are far more honest and telling than i intended for them to be. I still believe in the subconscious. It knows a lot of things that i do not.

D) recently spoke to jamie ov xiu xiu. i should email him on a more regular basis, i always get too shy to keep our communications more frequent, but i should do it anyways. he is a rarity in this world and i cherish him.

F) is love worth thee expiration date? i don't know. i want to be happy and i want to love and be loved in return but thee cost ov future pain is hard. then again, we hurt for every thing that we love. some might say that that is all love is; romanticised pain.

I love you all.