the guess i learned under the moon

Lucien Edwards
Apr 7, 2023
4 min read

thunder cracks and thee rain, it begins to pour. there is blue electrical tape wrapped around my right hand to keep it in position and help me with the rheumatoid arthritis or the carpal tunnel or whatever is wrong with my god forsaken body. if there is a god, he is not benevolent and i do not want to meet him for i’d have a helluvalottuv blasphemous words to say to him. it’s a friday afternoon in thee universe, thee world has taken up a darker blue hue than usual and i want to get home to sleep or drink or make no meaningful use ov myself.

i feel as though i am being punished for something i cannot control. it has happened to me many times that i end up in a situation where i know one ov us must know; that i am in love with someone but they aren’t in love with me and i simply have to respect thee difference and, for thee sanctity ov our relationship and outtuv pure respect, have managed my emotions so we can still keep what matters - each other, us. obviously i’m not a saint and i was obsessive at many points, but with time things change and i’m okay to accept some things won’t happen. what i can’t accept is having someone who said they would help me, be there for me, who understood thee bites and thee parallel play and seemed to like me deciding abandoning me would be easier. because they’ll fall in love and want to get together again, as though i don’t have the autonomy, smarts, or mind ov my own to say no to a bad deal. i don’t like being a dog in a cage left there to survive without a pet.

this week i have mostly slept and dealt with an extreme overflow ov this pain, which compression things meant to help with this kinduva pain don’t work for. i feel comforted by sleep now, i used to be adverse to sleeping as i felt i had so much to do, but now it’s all i want. that peter murphy lyric - “sleep is thee sister ov death.” iv been sleeping, at times, over ten hours or for entire days. i can’t handle thee way people speak, particularly my family. everything is too loud and not quiet like thee recent rainy days are. i caught a glimpse ov sunrise several times this week & have been repeating thee phrase: "don't swear on any name you trust."

i can’t draw because my hand hurts, and even when i try i just can’t think ov any way to make what im doing make sense to myself. take a xanax, have a shot, wrap my hand up in more tape, and go back to sleep. work is virtually thee only thing which is keeping me from becoming a dastardly case ov a willingful lacey fletcher. i shouldn’t say things like that, it’s horrible what happened to her, but i have been thinking ov her a lot lately. what happens if i willingly stay in bed and don’t eat or move just take sleeping pill after sleeping pill to keep me asleep ? i’ll do the necessary, drink some water, i don’t know. i guess i’m just describing a severe depressive episode which i’m semi-planning out in my head for thee next few days.

it’s all i want to do anymore; sleep.

i feel like women in those movies where her husband comes in and thee lighting gets all low and she’s lying next to an open bottle ov spilled out benadryl or whatever n when thee cut scene takes us to thee hospital bed, she just says: “i just wanted to sleep.” hopefully my personality isn’t becoming as bland as that, though. i continue to barely speak to anyone. however, i am incredibly proud ov thee minor things i do as i have no energy, hence i excel at tasks when i do have it. i don’t know if that makes sense. when you’re so tired that you do so little, every little thing becomes a victory. i watch people look at my art prints at thee front ov thee shop and even if i don’t make a sell, i’m glad someone is looking. i don’t feel much around me. i go to work, i read comics, i spend quality time with my cats, and i sleep. and i do this mostly all alone. its okay, because my Self before this moment and my Self after this moment are here with me. i just want my friend back. i slept in my moms room for thee first time in a decade thee other night n she let me fall asleep to down by law on repeat. it felt so cozy, so meaningful, so right. iv always asked her when i’m in alottuv pain, emotionally or physically; “can i go back in now? i don’t like it out here.” it’s like david byrne says: “there was a time, before we were born / if someone asks, this is where i’ll be.”

thee musical intake hasn't been anything you don't already know about, what does lucien do all day? well, he listens to tyler, the creator constantly. however, as i am in thee shop, another record is on by someone i have a deep affection for. and i'm thinking, aren’t we lucky to have had archy marshall / king krule in our lives ? every time i think about him, i smile with hope in me. listen to some king krule if you haven’t already. soon i'll make some album run downs from last month. til then, or some other time.

i love you all.